Stupid questions, stupid answers

It was Valentine’s Day. Linda and I were having dinner at The Iris Room, a small but elegant restaurant with quiet surroundings, soft music, original oil paintings, candlelight, and unobtrusive waiters. A pleasant place.

We arrived early for our reservation and had our choice of tables. We sat near a large painting by a local artist featuring bright colored flowers. From our table, we could see the other diners as they arrived.

In this small intimate setting it’s easy to hear conversations at the other tables. As Linda and I talked, our attention floated in and out of various conversations around the room. We enjoyed the happy talk as folks greeted their friends and families and exchanged pleasantries. Most of the diners were couples enjoying a romantic Valentine’s Day dinner.

A couple we know casually was seated two tables away. They had just started their dinner when a man came into the room and spotted them. As my acquaintance placed a bite of food into his mouth, the man approached him and asked in a loud voice: ‘Hi, John, you having dinner?’

I couldn’t hear John’s response, but judging from the other man’s conversation, I guess he responded in the affirmative.

Let me recap. The room is glowing in candlelight. Roses and white table clothes adorn the tables. Wineglasses are half full. Breadbaskets are full of warm rolls. The people at the table have food on their plates. The man at this particular table has just placed a piece of meat into his mouth and is chewing it. The sign over the door says: The Iris Room, Gourmet Dinning.

So, it’s quite natural to wonder what all these people are doing here. Overcome with curiosity, as he was returning to the table where his party was eating, this moron asked what all inquiring minds in the room wanted to know: ‘John, are you having dinner?’

I couldn’t hear what John said, but he is accustomed to asking dumb questions himself. He’s an attorney.

Linda and I smiled knowingly--and I’ll admit, condescendingly--at the dumb question and turned our attention elsewhere.

During dinner, it started to rain. No, it started to pour. We waited in the lobby for a few minutes, but decided it wasn’t going to stop any time soon. Since it was an evening for lovers, and gallantry, I offered to bring the car around to the covered entrance.

As I stood in the door, rain splashing at my feet and blowing in my face, the parking lot barely visible through the heavy downpour, a man stepped up beside me and peered into the parking lot.

"Is it raining?’ he asked.

‘I think it is,’ I said. ‘But when I get to my car, I’ll know for sure.’

Splashing across the parking lot to my car, I reflected on two of the dumbest questions I’ve heard in a long time. But as I was driving around to pickup Linda, I thought of an even dumber question that my aforementioned acquaintance, John, asked in a courtroom once.

My secretary at the time was suing a homebuilder for damages because the builder had charged her for, but didn’t build, a sunroom on her house.

John was representing the builder in the case. My secretary was on the witness stand and John asked her, ‘Miss Campbell, you claim my client didn’t build a sunroom on your house, is that correct?’

‘Yes. That’s correct.’

‘My client did not build your sunroom?’

‘That’s correct.’

‘Miss Campbell, will you tell the jury the exact location of that sunroom?’

‘That’s not possible,’ Miss Campbell answered.

‘Why not?’ he asked.

‘Because, sir, it was never built.’

‘Oh yes,’ he said. ‘No further questions, your Honor.’

As I said, this man is no stranger to stupid questions and stupid answers. Incidentally, my secretary won her lawsuit.

HLG

Harvey L. Gardner is an author, columnist, and freelance writer. Tantalizing Trivialities is a mixture of fun, frivolity, nostalgia, inspiration, humor, love, marrieage, tall tales, work, and other absurdities.   A former newspaper editor and publisher.  He is the author of two business books and writes extensively on business and self improvement topics.  He publishes an e-magazine, The Next Level: Rise Above Your Competition. He lives in White House, Tennessee.